By the time ya'll read this the title of MD-80 driver will be the official job description. The check ride was a flight from St. Louis, MO to some place in Chicago originally named after an apple orchard. The name was later changed to Butch O'Hare, after one of those war heros. As you all know the flight will be I.F.R. In pilot talk that means I Follow Roads.

Let's see, we will take off on 30R, follow Highway 270 East, to the Highway 55 North exit. We will cruise by Bloomington-Normal, Dwight, IL (hey they have a McDonald's), then fly over Joliet, IL. Remember to cross Joliet VOR at 10,000 feet and cross 15 miles North of Joliet at 6,000 feet. In Leadership class (another name for how to be politically correct in the cockpit) the instructor shared a story with us on his first official trip as a Captain. This new Captain went to pick up the flight plan papers at the dispatch window. As the Captain reviewed the weather and signed the dispatch release the first officer showed up grumbling. The Captain asked the first officer (F/O) what was wrong? Well this F/O stated that "they said in ground school that they would not release first officers to the line until we were ready. I do not feel ready!" The captain asked how he could help? The F/O said that he really wanted to fly the airplane until he felt comfortable. The Captain said OK! Their first leg was to O'Hare International airport in Chicago. Well when the air traffic control clearance of "Slow to 280 knots, cross Joliet at 10,000 feet and cross 15 north of Joliet at 6,000 feet then slow to 210" was given, the captain read it back. The Captain said that a "dazed and confused look" settled in on the F/O's face. Right after passing the Joliet navaid the F/O looked over at this new Captain and said, "I would give 100 dollars to know what I am supposed to be doing now???"
Some more things that ticked my funny bone. All the jets were waiting in line at O'Hare for take off when over the radio is heard, "TWA 123 like to get a higher altitude?" At a commercial glider school after all the gliders and students were soaring aloft, the glider instructor would hop on his bicycle and go for a ride with his walkman blazing away. He made it a point to travel down the taxiway to the northwest and go for a long ride. Most schools have a Schweizer 2-32 (SGS 2-32) glider used for giving "Champagne" rides. Pilot up front and the love birds (two people with control stick removed) in the back. Well this school had a big ole' boy who needed to fly this Schweizer 2-32 due to his size. This glider is a mid-wing, very strong glider. Weeeeell one evening while the instructor was pedaling back down the same taxiway he pedaled out as the big ole' boy in the hefty SGS 2-32 landed on that taxiway into the setting sun. Big boy smack his instructor with the wing and cracked the instructors ribs and back big time. I'm sure this is what my instructor meant by never turning your back on those students. During a recent visit with a Air Force Safety Officer in Texas, I was privileged to view some of the "films" from some recent military mishaps. The best was a helicopter on a night flight with the chopper's forward camera filming away. The back seater in the
chopper says, "Hey, do you really think we will make it between those two trees?" The macho front seater said, "Oh you have little faith!" BAM!!! Well they hit the trees and that helicopter was all over the place trying to regain control so that it could land on the ground which was only 10 feet below them. I wonder what excuse they used... I..I told him NOT to do it!!!

While flipping through some old SOARING magazines I came across one with my first glider instructor who was on the cover. As Carl Icahn once said, "If you want a friend, get a dog." Well that is what Instructor John had done. In fact his friend was a German Shepherd named Cloud who weighed 85 pounds. This was significant because when John and Cloud went flying John was able to let his best friend sit in the front seat of the Schweizer 2-33 glider. What a great instructor and a great friend Cloud had and hey, they made the cover of SOARING.

I can not end this nonsense with out a little political nonsense. We all know microbursts are very dangerous things in aviation. So if you were going to build an airport one would think that it should be where there is minimal activity. Now enter the politics of this equation. This piece of land had trouble keeping crops growing on it because of those micro-burst would just flatten them as they came over the front range. Well those political people in their effort to help out bought the land. When it came time to contemplate where to put the new airport those political people looked and looked and then found the perfect place. We all know why it was perfect because they already
knew the owners of the land. Themselves. Well never mind the micro-bursts and the 25 mile drive from the city to the airport. Just know that the tax payers got a great deal, the politicians got their asking price, and the people in the city of Denver, CO received a new airport. Oh yea one other thing. The runways were suppose to be 4300 feet apart to fly simultaneous landing approaches. Well this new airport missed that distance by a couple of feet but not to worry. They granted the airport a small exemption for the small error in the spacing of the runways.

As for the Piper pilot who made a very short landing at Smartt Field last Saturday during the Young Eagles Event: When one flies retractable gear airplanes one must remember Forrest GUMP. (Remember STUPID is the feeling when you do not GUMP).

G	Gas is on fullest tank.
U	Undercarriage is down and locked, welded, or riveted. Use GUMP even in a C-152. It's a habit that must be used in EVERY aircraft. Gliders too!
M	Mixture is full RICH
P	Propeller is in LOW PITCH

Another habit I even use in the MD-80 is to hold the gear handle when placing the Landing Gear down until I see THREE GREEN LIGHTS. Then I say THREE GREEN so the Cockpit Voice Recorder has a record of it. Paranoid!!! I know that some lawyer would find fault in what I did and make me look like Forrest GUMP.

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